Chasing Lightening Bugs
- Leah Dawkins
- Mar 16
- 2 min read
I am almost 55 years old, and I feel like a complete fake.
Sometimes. Not all the time.
Who am I to suggest I can upend my entire existence to chase a dream I have no idea if I am any good at? What makes me think I am a writer? Much less an author.
These are the things that go through my mind. And, unfortunately, were said to the people closest to me by ‘well-meaning’ folks. You know, those people who tell you things “for your own good.”
I don’t like those people.
They are Dream Squashers.
When I was a little girl, we had an abundance of lightening bugs in our neighborhood. Me and my friends would run around Ascot Court catching the lightening bugs in our hands and watching as they lit up our palms. Some of us would even put them in a jar with a lid, punched with air holes. Releasing them when it was time for us to return to our homes.
And then there were those few kids who caught the sweet, beautiful bug who’s only job it was to light up the night sky,and scrape out its light with their fingernail.
Extinguishing the light and killing the bug. The retro version of a Dream Squasher.
These kids are the ones I think of when I am confronted with my own insecurities. For the most part, I can compartmentalize them, but every once in a while, I come face to face with the dreaded insecurities.
Fear.
Guilt.
Anxiety.
Shame.
And this is simply because I want to be something different than who I have always been. To reinvent myself.
I have loved being a nurse, but what if the next 35 years look different than the previous 35 years. Would the earth collapse? Would I let down someone? Even myself?
Or would I find freedom from one version of me who once was exactly who I wanted to be but now, no longer meets my needs.
I have outgrown her.
Just like I outgrew chasing lightening bugs with my friends.
Or did I? Maybe my lightening bug is simply writing books that people enjoy reading.
This I know for certain. I have lived my life one way. Now I am trying another. And it's all okay.
Dream Squashers be damned.
I absolutely love getting your blogs! I share them with my co-workers and superviser at work. They enjoy them as well. Keep chasing your dream. I think you’re a great writer. I have always wanted to write my own book about my life especially more now than ever. I’ve been through things that most people wouldn’t have survived. I just don’t know where to start with it all or even put it in words. Maybe I could give you an idea for your next book I don’t know. I met you in Camden last year at a little market they were having outside. I remember passing your table and then immediately turning around and going back. It was like something…